It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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