Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
