you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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