I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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