my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
