he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
