afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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