sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
