I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
