The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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