I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
