shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
