i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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