I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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