my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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