I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
