I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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