His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
