Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
