i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
