I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
