Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
