God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
