this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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