Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
