I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
