my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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