You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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