No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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