If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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