Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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