Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
