Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
