I didn't shave. On purpose
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
