FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
