Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
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