Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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