if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
