next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
