Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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