I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
