and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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