What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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