my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
