sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
