you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You brought string cheese to the strip club
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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