Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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