The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
