no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
