I'm so fucking centered right now
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
