I accidentally had phone sex last night
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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